Welcome to Relationship Rehab, news.com.au’s weekly column solving all your romantic problems, no holds barred.
This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie explains how men lose their libidos – and how to get them back.
QUESTION: My sex drive is wildly different from my husband’s and it’s causing problems in our marriage. We used to be in sync but recently his libido has plummeted while mine has risen. I’d love to have sex three or four times a week but he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow and never seems interested any other time. How do we make sure both of us are happy?
ANSWER: Differences in libido is the most common challenge that couples seek my help for as a Couples Therapist and Sexologist. I’m highly aware of the painful emotions it can provoke for both of you. Despite the challenges that it can bring, it is possible to work together and maintain a strong partnership.
A difference in sexual desire levels is common in relationship
It’s often our expectations of sexual desire that create the biggest challenges for us. I want you to know that many couples experience a difference in desire levels. It isn’t necessarily a reflection of their love or attraction for each other.
Libido will also commonly fluctuate throughout your life. It can change for both of you at different times. When there are sudden or drastic shifts however, it is worth exploring what the underlying causes are.
It can feel particularly challenging when a male partner loses interest in sex
While differences in sexual desire are challenging in any relationship, it’s particularly challenging when men lose their libido – whether that’s in a heterosexual or queer relationship.
When men lose interest in sex, it can challenge their sense of masculinity and self worth, leading to feelings of shame and helplessness. It can also be difficult for their partner, as it breaks the stereotype that men always have a high interest in sex. As a partner, you can feel unattractive and unwanted.
Again, please know that this isn’t necessarily a reflection of your attractiveness or your partner’s love for you.
How to manage a difference in libidos well
I need to emphasise that both of you being happy is about more than numbers. It’s not about compromising on the amount of sex that you have but working together so that you both feel understood, loved and wanted by each other.
Working on this together isn’t a straightforward journey, but there are steps that can help.
1. Empathize with each other
Whether it’s being openly expressed or not, it’s likely that you’re both struggling with this in some way. Both of your perspectives are valid and your feelings are real.
Trying to see each other’s perspective and having empathy for each other will help you work as a team on this and maintain a strong relationship.
2. Understand what might be impacting sexual desire
When we don’t understand why a change has taken place, we can feel confused and helpless.
Sexual desire for many people is ‘responsive’. This means it responds to different factors going on around them. These factors can be physical/biological, emotional/psychological or environmental/relational.
Let’s start with trying to understand what’s going on for your husband that has led to his low libido.
Common reasons that men lose their libido:
• Stress
• Depression
• Health issues
• Medication side effects
• Performance anxiety
• Relationship dissatisfaction
• Erectile challenges
• Hormonal issues
It’s often challenging for men to talk about the struggles they’re facing. Do you know if there’s anything going on for your partner that might have impacted his desire?
It might also be worth your husband visiting a trusted and empathetic doctor to talk about the possible physical or psychological causes.
3. Take steps to meet both you needs for intimacy outside of sex
Having a strong relationship is an important foundation to build on sexual desire.
Research also shows us that a strong connection, where both partners feel loved, trusting, safe and playful with each other is one of the most important factors in having great sex over the long-term.
Are you still showing love and affection to each other indifferent ways? Are you having fun and being playful together? Are you having important conversations together and showing each other that you’re emotionally safe?
4. Take steps to rekindle sexual intimacy in ways that feel good for both of you
In long term relationships, sexual intimacy doesn’t always just happen by itself. The happiest couples in the bedroom make sex a priority and take practical steps to maintain that part of their relationship together.
You may need to have a conversation together and talk about what practical actions you can take, such as scheduling time for intimacy when he isn’t tired, or doing the things that are most likely to stoke his desire.
Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.
